Of Political Correctness and Referendums

Marcus Brigstocke

Don’t ask us about Europe. What do we know?

Referendums? Referenda? Oh I don’t know; either way – don’t have them, whatever they are called. Don’t ask the public a damn thing. If the opinions offered by the public when questioned by journalists during the general election were not proof enough for you that we know diddly squat, then consider the assorted “yout'” who have been arxsed over the past week or two why they wear hoodies. Between us, we can hardly sentence a string together.

The idea that the referendatum being carried out across Europe will decide our collective futures is more scary than the thought that the new series of Big Brother will be a better representation of democracy at work than the general election. Let’s face it, the British public are eminently more qualified to vote off the vapid, hollow souls who frequent these programmes than to register any opinion based on the contents of the EU constitution.

Which way will the French go with their decision on Sunday? The “no” camp is gaining ground, we are told, the “yes” camp still failing to inspire, but has anyone checked the “bof” camp? That is, those who neither know nor care, and so opt for the Gallic shrug instead – they are sure to make up a large percentage of the French vote.

I don’t know yet which way I will vote on the EU constitution, if the promised British referendum materialises. I do know what the dividing lines will be between the “yes” and the “no” camps, though; it will come down to whether or not you had a French exchange when you were a teenager. If some greasy, lank-haired French lad called Didier came and stayed in your house when you were 11, wearing his rucksack on his front, you are pretty much guaranteed to vote “non” on the big day. The same is true if some piggy-faced blond boy called Heinrich came and ate everything in your fridge – a solid, Germanic “nein” will almost certainly be your response to that.

But what should we all do? Who’s going to explain the constitution to us so that it isn’t just a warped sense of “sod the Frenchies and balls to the Hun” that decides the call? The “yes” camp seems hopelessly naive, almost utopian: “Hey let’s just all be on the same side, yeah?” And those who urge a “no” vote seem angry, red-faced and stubborn: “No, because … well, just no! OK?”

If the French say “non”, most people think the EU constitution is dead in the water anyway. But the “no” camp here still want a referendum so that they can translate the “non” into a decent, British “no”. That’s insane. You see, we shouldn’t be asked a damn thing. We’re not qualified.